parenting

One of the only clear memories I have of my father’s father, my nono, is a very distinct event.  My father was driving my nono’s Jeep Wagoneer, my nono rode shotgun, and I sat in the backseat.  I have no recollection at all how old I was, or what they talked about, but I remember the music of their voices, the deep basses playing back and forth, and I know the conversation was light and humourous, the two of them bullshitting each other to keep themselves entertained.  We had stopped at a little grocery store, and the two of them each got a loaf of italian bread, which, in my humble opinion, is the very best bread you might ever enjoy.  It’s light, fluffy, even the crust is subtly sweet - and the two biggest men in my world at that time broke their loaf in half, hollowed the loaves out,  and gave me all the white bread inside, keeping the crusts for themselves.

I sat in a comfy seat, while the car rumbled along, munching through my *huge* pile of sweet, airy bread and listening to the laughter and noise they created as my soundtrack.  I can’t remember a better childhood moment.

* * * * *

I talk a lot about responsibility, which always leads me to discuss parenting.  I am not a parent, first of all, but I have parented.  I reject the idea that you must have a child to have any idea what it is like.  I reject that outright.  I agree that there is a soulful element to the thing, a bond that makes it absolute, and I realize that the constant presence of a child would certainly make it more difficult to remain patient, coolheaded, and rational at all times.  It’s well established that it’s easy to judge from the sidelines.

What is parenting, anyways?  Some would say you’re the guide, you’re the personal function of societies’ rules - the judge, the jury, the prison guard, the teacher, the janitor, the counselor.  Some would suggest it has no title, no list of duties, no requirements for the task; you just have the kid, and voila, you’re a parent, for better or for worse.

Do people ever actually consider that they might simply make bad parents?  That they have no sense of responsibility, nothing valuable to teach their kids?  That their mercurial temperment and inability to focus or be consistent will just harm their children?  That their shallow understanding of human emotion will transfer onto their children, leaving them ultimately susceptible to anything that comes along that resembles substance, even if it leads directly to substance abuse?

You watch a movie like, “I am Sam,” and it makes the compelling argument that all a child needs is love, unconditional love, and they will turn out alright.  But look at that child, that exceptional, brilliant, and intensely strong soul.  The little girl in “I am Sam” was a paragon of humanity, a fluke and a lucky anomaly.  There’s little psychological basis for how she turned out, other than we want to believe that story is possible, nay, probable, in any and all circumstances.  She constantly portrayed emotions that she would realistically have little understanding of, and demonstrated a depth of problem solving and character strength that was never explained where she got it from.

People do not just ‘work out’.  The nurture of the thing always has a catalyst.  It’s been suggested that we all have a right to bear children, and I totally agree with that - it’s a human experience, and we are evolutionarily motivated to do so, compelled to do so.  But really, we also have the ability to prepare ourselves for the task we would undertake, and without this potentiality within us, I would argue that we do *not* all have that right.

In a tribal society, there were elders, village wise men, that the children could go to to learn of morality, imagination, and honour.  There were warriors to teach them of strength, and pride, and women to teach them of love, and trust.  It’s an oversimplified example, but the point is clear:  Kids were raised by the collective.  But now?  It’s totally insular, we feel no standard of care for another’s child - indeed, we’d be arrested and jailed for taking a vigorous interest in their well being.  Their eyes and minds turn elsewhere to learn what they need to of life, not to their (usually) inadequate and underequipped parents, but to television, movies, stories without logic or reason, but a promised ending, a promised resolution to the chaos of the mind and heart.

The implications of such a path leave me stricken with terror.  Our need to individuate, our need to avoid warranted criticism to preserve our fragile sense of selves, undermines our ability to raise and prepare our young for living in avalanching times.  Most of you parents are doing a poor job, because you’re still trying to get your OWN lives into a perspective that makes sense.  How can you expect them to grow strong and think freely, if all they see in you is a tempermental hypocrite?

You can improve, and it’s your responsibility to improve.  I pass this judgment with unflinching posture.  Nobody expects perfection, but I insist that you try harder, stand taller, and be worthy of that innocent and unending adoration and trust placed in you by the children you are helping to shape.  Everyone can improve themselves, deepen their reservoirs, and widen the horizons of the soul - if I can’t convince you to do it for yourself, let me convince you to do it for those you love.  Let me convince you to prioritize this endeavour above all else, at whatever the price.  It is required!

When I bring children into this world, it will be when I am ready, able and willing, to give them 110% of everything I’ve built for myself, in my heart.  I’m not claiming the high ground - I’m saying this ground beneath my feet should be the middle ground, the standard, the average; something so normal and accepted… that the idea of forging another life while your own life, your own heart is a total mess is considered by our society to be deplorable to the core.

I have a bleeding heart for most of this world, but I shed no tears for the idiotic cries of confused and taxed parents who are impotent to aid or guide their young.  If you couldn’t do it yourself, you should have set up a support structure to help you, be it just a spouse, or your extended family, or whoever.  I praise single parents who find that strength and step up to be worthy of their child’s trust - yes, it’s hard as hell, and yes, you deserve credit for doing it without a kick in the ass by anyone but yourself.  But don’t lie to yourself either - you can always improve, and you should keep improving.  There is no end to this road, you will always be responsible and accountable to this life you created, you don’t get to quit.

I damn those of you with your selfish need to create something to love YOU unconditionally…  you erode your children’s chances at a genuine life, a fulfilled life.  And I damn those of you who just don’t think at all.  It’s harmless foolishness when you’re lost in your own life, but it’s reproachable when you stumble about with the weight of another on your shoulders.

~ Driz

~ by drizitche on February 13, 2008.