essentially effective
I haven’t found one hour of sleep this weekend. I forgot what insomnia felt like, so detached and removed from the moments you’re having. Everywhere you go you feel like you’re wandering, ever step you take is suspect and unconvincing.
I was kind, I think, to some people on the bus, as I rode to and fro. They feel like dreams, so when I got a good impression from them, I told them so. Maybe I made a few people’s days. Maybe I scared them.
* * *
I have one person in my life that I can trust in and believe in without skepticism. I rarely talk to her; I can’t take away from her truth in any form but bits and pieces, for fear that any curious and indulgent misstep might wreck that spirit and manner of ways with which she brings truth to me at all. Like the phoenix, I suppose; I can’t bear to waste a second of her at all.
I asked her, essentially:
‘Is it alright to just fucking love anymore? Does it have to make sense, does it have to be legal, does it have to conform to these oppressive rules of causality? Can I not just fucking let myself be thrown and fall anymore – do I have to climb down with poise and caution? And most of all – what if I can’t? If I must be nailed into a prepackaged system of affection, how could I ever love again? The way that I love you – that way that I love, that I must love?’
She told me, effectively, ‘When you love the way you love, you can love any way you want.’
* * *
I want to argue her and debate, I want to refute that and demand her to demand me to make sense. But she won’t do that, she doesn’t enable me like that. She’s probably right anyways, I trust her judgment more than my own when it comes to matters of me. There is chocolate, and there is chocolate. I adore that she remembers my taste, despite my frustrating penchant for switching my colour, my wrapper, and my name.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, just as, I suppose, I’ll always taste like me. I love being corrected by such gentle hands. But, put just as well, I could say simply… “I love.”
~ Driz
Great entry. I like it.
I hope she reads your blog too?
x
Cara
No, she doesn’t. I don’t think she’d want to, it would probably be an overexposure to me.
We joust in and out of each other’s path, to remind ourselves we’re still riding along in the same direction, albeit on different roads.
~ Driz
Hey hun,
Have you been able to sleep recently?
x
Cara
No.
~ Driz
If you have one person in your life that you can trust fully and completely, you are a fucking lucky bastard.
I almost feel like I earned her. We fell in love at 14, and had almost killed each other by the time we were 20 and had split up for the final time.
It’s one thing to hit rock bottom at some point along the road. It’s possible anyone who truly lives finds a way to crash. But I was indeed lucky that we crashed together, and because of that, I think we carry a piece of each other around.
Thanks, love bites.
~ Driz