we and I agree with we
Thoughts of the day for April 16th.
I’m too serious.
No I’m not.
I’m crazy.
No, I’m not.
My taste in music sucks.
No, it doesn’t.
I’m too focused on myself.
Not really.
Even if I am, it’s not a bad thing.
Yes it is.
This is frustrating to type out, when I phrase it like this.
Finally, we agree.
But I don’t want complacency with the problem, I should be trying to disagree. Why else are we talking?
No, you like it. Shut up and enjoy it.
Fuck you.
No, fuck you.
* * * * *
My penguins won their series 4-0, sweeping the first round of the playoffs and advancing. I think we’ll be the only team to sweep the first round. There’s a sense of dissatisfaction within me about the whole ordeal; it felt like watching a lion run down a gazelle.
Every time I see a situation like that, I find myself siding with the gazelle. Maybe that’s why victory of any sort always seems so hollow. In a stupid way I’m concerned my team will get so good I won’t be able to cheer for them with any honesty.
I fell in love with the penguins for their heroics, their history, their struggle. Now it looks like they bully the other team for 60 minutes.
Am I the only person who achieves greatness with a thing and then views the whole mess as a sort of gamble, a sort of heroic story, where despite competing as best I can… I root for the other team when I become assured of victory?
I’ll only raise a hand to help myself when I’m uncertain of the outcome, if I’m uncertain if I’ll win. And the minute I become convinced, I’m miserable.
I want to lose. I want to lose it all, I suppose. There’s a real element in me that just wants to burn this motherfucker down, that wants to get beaten and destroyed and humiliated. Give me Achilles. Give me the impossible. Give me the lie, the false champion, and I’ll give you truth.
Everything seems possible, and that’s a despairing prospect.
*sigh* I don’t know.
Yes you do, liar.
Fuck off, I do not.
Yes, you do, you poser, you pretender.
Enough!
* * * * *
* * * * *
You’re pathetic.
You don’t understand me. You’d just as well shame a boat for failing to escape the water.
You’re pathetic.
Are you listening? I’m not! You have no good reason to say that!
You’re still pathetic.
Amazing how if you repeat that enough it feels true.
Yup. It’s remarkably pathetic.
* * * * *
I took a shot and I think I missed. But like any noble shot, I aimed for something I wasn’t meant to see, wasn’t meant to aim for, something I wasn’t designed for. I think I’m still sitting here, trying to figure out what it feels like to miss, because it hasn’t hit me yet.
I tried to use paper to beat scissors. I think paper should trump everything.
I’m just so tired. This post is trash.
~ Driz
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